umm just to let you know, this is a little bit of a mind fuck....sorry.

umm just to let you know, this is a little bit of a mind fuck....sorry.

My past behaviours are what make me the person I am today.
This is a fact, it's something you can't deny.

I've been thinking lately of all the things I've done.
Mostly I've been thinking about the people I've hurt.
And everytime these thoughts arise I can't help but deny who I am.
I feel like I have to defend myself on so many points.

<sidetrack notes>
Yesterday, I was in the movie theater (saw sherlock holmes), thinking about all the people I've been to movies with, it sound silly, but everybody does it...right? Anyways...I was putting people into categories. Putting them where I saw them fit to be placed...what does that say about me? I'm so utterly against discrimination; but I spend my time labelling those who surround me. Do I contradict myself?

I also spend my time asking questions, to which I only find awnsers to, when I talk about it.
I don't talk about it that much though. (depending on who you ask)


I've destroyed quite a few relationships and hurt a few loved ones...not enough to consider myself a horrible person, but enough to wonder...what makes me act out that way.

I'm only 17, and I forget that almost all the time.
And I'm bound to make mistakes.
And I'm bound to hurt people.
And people are bound to hurt me.
Is that an excuse?

I've also avoided a lot of people, so not to get hurt.
Oh my.

I think I have trust issues.

God, that seems so obvious. or not...what if it's not actually the lack of trust towards other, but actually one's own insecurities.
Jacqui said I have initiative.
I replied that I didn't.
She awnsered that I when I wanted something I did what I had to do to obtain it.

That makes sense...but what happens when I don't know what I want?
I mean, yea logically, when I want something, I do what I need to do to have it, in some ways.

<sidetracked again>
Ok so I want cookies.
I decide to make cookies.
What cookies to I want to make?
Do I want chocolate chip, or double chocolate, or pennut butter or cinnamon etc
Either I will make em' all or I'll make none at all.

I'm going nowhere with this. I just feel like I should find some sort of closure...ya know?
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# Postato lunedì 28 dicembre 2009 15:49

Bipolar tendancies. um

Bipolar tendancies. um

So after having spent so long complaining on my miserable state. (Yes, I know...why do I bother getting up in the morning?) I think I'm over it, I think that if you compare my katimavik experience to a normal human growth ; I just went through my adolescent phase...maybe finally I'll grow up a little bit.
I was telling a wise friend of mine, how much this didn't feel like the holidays.
How much it didn't feel like christmas...
She replied how not every Christmas will feel like a holiday.
To which I understood : This is growing up.

At first that seems aweful.
And yes, I must admit it is...but only at first.
After awhile you get over it; which also sounds aweful.
You then come to realize how beautiful it can be on the other side of things.

The christmas spirit depends on your own spirit.
If it's down, your holiday will suck
If it's up, well you know what happens when it's up.

My heart is full of love to give.
but my mind is weary.
Goodnight my loves, be grateful and don't worry about me. I'm fine.
As you may have already guessed.
xoxox
Emily
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# Postato venerdì 25 dicembre 2009 02:13

Modificato lunedì 28 dicembre 2009 15:52

Painted Poetry on your lips

Painted Poetry on your lips
What reminds the heart of christmas?

The sights and smells and sounds, are not the same here.
This isn't a holiday.
It will never be what it was..what was it?
We take everything for granted, we forget that yesterday was probably one of the most important days of our life.
WE forget too easily, the pains and loses that we've been through.
forgetting seems to be the only thing we believe in nowadays.
Do you remember you childhood dreams as they pass by like clouds in the sky?
Why did we give up so much for so little?

What remind the mind of christmas?

I think of you and me. I think and dream of far away places.
The kind of places where I belong. I've never felt as isolated as today.
I don't feel connected to and from.
My thoughts are blurry and soon they disapear.
My mind, Where is my mind?
5 days til' christmas....Do you believe it? I'll create an illusion in my mind, just like a song.
I'll sing and dance and smile. I'll laugh and play, I'll keep on wishing, keep on hoping.
I won't be alone, I will be merry...I wish a upon a little star.
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# Postato domenica 20 dicembre 2009 17:50

I'm at a whole new level of questions.

I'm at a whole new level of questions.
What the hell am I doing? Why am I here? What was going through my mind..when I said what I said. rigt now right here I want to be anyplace but here. I want to run away. I so tired of being in an enviroment where I have to explain myself all the time. Couldn't everybody just stand still for a second? It's dark and cold outside and I'm tired of blaming the weather. Today i'm going to pray.
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# Postato martedì 08 dicembre 2009 18:15

How's Whitehorse? Well it's white and there aren't that many horses around.

How's Whitehorse? Well it's white and there aren't that many horses around.



I'd be lying if I said I was perfect, but I mean why does everybody have to take everything so seriously. Maybe I'm tired, Maybe I've spent an hour bitching about all the little things that get under my skin, but I'm starting to wonder
am I really such a cold bitch? Obviously it can't be that bad, but sometimes I wonder if I'm hurting others by just being too blunt. I guess it's something I'll have to learn about myself in the long run. I'm tired of learning about myself. I wish I would just figure it out already, and then I look around me and see so many of us trying so hard to be wonderful and all I can pull off is a smile and nod.
I think spending all this time with my thought and always having to react to diffrent situation with diffrent people..I'm just getting more and more confused. Then again I am young right? Today I interviewed 9 work placements. NINE! I know I'm lucky to get all of this experience, but that right there is just an example of me smilling and nodding alot. I don't even have time to ask myself the right questions anymore. They kept asking me who was my number one placement. I had no idea. People are asking me question I don't have awnsers to, and it's not like it's going to matter tomorrow anyways. I'm working a Volunteer Yukon Tomorrow and it's going to be awsome <3
***
I got a nice little (free) haircut today and a lovely new skirt (free again) I love the "city" and the cold isn't that bad yet. My group is the best out of all the groups in the world. New beginnings, New job. New hair. everything is going to be alright.
xoxoxoxo emily
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# Postato martedì 01 dicembre 2009 01:57

Modificato martedì 08 dicembre 2009 18:05